STRAWBERRIES FOREVER

I was destined to be misunderstood from the day I was born and that is the truth ....

     ''Am I out of the woods.?''
''Are you speaking metaphorically now.?''
     ''Metaphorically .... is that some new language they have found, maybe spoken by the people of the rain-forest .... they can see things in their world like that, I know if I was to live in the rain-forest I would, speaking metaphorically that is, are you with me on this.?''
''Were you in the woods.?''
     ''I was somewhere. I'm not going out there again, if that's what you mean.''
''Why not.?''
     '' I feel fine now, really I do. I'm full to the gills with anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and anti-god-knows-what, who wouldn't feel fine ... I feel fine, I do. Dreams are quite-quite clear, and boy-o-boy hallucinations are coming in loud and clear, more clear now the situation, I tell you I'm fine. Memories are not clear though, kind of not connected from the mind to the brain, but apart from that, I feel fine-fine-fine.''
''OK, we go slow with it.''
     ''Thank you .... that's fine too with me. We go slow.''

This is not the first time I have found myself in this predicament and it's certainly not the first time for me to be here but it's the first time she has spoken to me. I have noticed her around before, who wouldn't with that flowing red hair and swinging hips, mesmerizing to watch ... nice body too and she smells, not that strong, like over powering you that you are chocking to the point of vomiting ... smells so much like .... Strawberries. I love the smell of strawberries. Now days you can get strawberries in winter. There is no more season for strawberries anymore. Strawberries all year round. I wounder why they are called strawberries, maybe because they were berries packed in straw to keep fresh back in time, they are not the color of straw, nobody knows why anymore ... lost in time the reason for their name ... just like me. Strawberries forever.
She is standing very close to me. She is not afraid of me. She is looking at me with motherly eyes. Shit .... what do I know about motherly eyes, I never knew my mother, maybe I crawled out from under a rock ..... that's it ..... I crawled out from under a rock in a strawberry field. I like the taste of strawberries too. She's to close now, I could almost lick her but that would be asking for trouble now ... better not.
Keep my tongue in me head and concentrate on what she's saying to me. Keep the thoughts clean and my eyes off her thighs. Well, that sounds like I know what I am doing.

''Do you remember anything.?''
     ''I remember the smell of strawberries.''
'' OK .... that's a start .... why strawberries.?''
     ''I was born in a field of strawberries ... you smell very much like strawberries, do you know that.?''
''You are speaking metaphorically.''
     ''You like that word ..... metaphorically ..... where you born 'metaphorically speaking'.?''
''OK .... I see where you are coming from ..... you like to play games.''
     ''So you know where I was ... was I in the woods playing silly big boy's games.?''
''I am here to help you, help you to remember that day ... we don't want to do this the hard way, do we.?'' 
     ''I remember the smell of strawberries, but I think it's only because you smell like strawberries that I remember the smell ... are you going to play mother with me now.?''
''So what happened in the woods.?''
     ''Metaphorically speaking, to use your words .... well there was a list, I should say, there is a list. My name was not on the very long list of names nailed to the tree, my name was on another but short list on another tree. I saw it.''
''Were you disappointed that your name was not on 'that' list.?''
     ''Yes ... and no. I saw your name too, on another list, not as long as the first list and not as short as the list my name is on. It was on another tree.''
''Is that why you were in the woods ... to see if your name was on the list.?''
     ''I think so .... I was somewhere ..... I remember crawling through the leaves on my knees in the mud, feeling like I was a wolf .... had the senses of the wolf, sight and smell .... on all fours. I was wild. It was the thing to do at the time. It was natural for me, on all fours.''
''Where you looking for something ... the list maybe, or did you drop something that you had to crawl around on all fours to look for.?''
     ''What list, drop what ... what list are you talking about ... I don't know of any list, what list .... maybe the list of the dead .. is it the list of the lost souls ... are they coming after me. Do I know them. Do they know me. Do you know.?'' 
''OK, we will forget about the list ... just try and take it easy. No one is going to hurt you, no one is coming after you. I just want to help you to remember, just relax, will you do that for me .... relax, try to relax, it's OK.?'' 
     ''Relax .. relax ... relax ....
I keep telling myself this and it's going to sound like,  relapse ... relapse ... relapse .... 
well that's the truth, no getting away from the truth about that ... relapse .. relax .. relapse .. relax ... 
Shit, try saying that fast. Is my tongue in or out of my head.?''

She is not afraid of me, I can tell. She is leaning close to me now. Strawberry smell. Sweet strawberry smell. She has no idea how I wanted to reach out and touch her, I wanted too, so badly. I will try to stay calm and be normal as best as I can and relax, as she said to me, I think she said it ... relax. She has no idea how I wanted to be normal and stay calm ... all my life in fact. Her face has the same smile as mine ... I feel we are both professionals here ... I smiled harder ... and she's smiling back at me. This makes sense, yes, this makes sense to me. We are both 'smiling' professionals. She is going to help me remember and in that way I am helping her. I could feel my face contorting now .. the face of a psychotic, that's what she is thinking now, I am psychotic. I can see it in her expression. She must learn to hide that, from a professional point of view that is, if she wants people to 'trust' her.
I know it looks so stupid now my face, I know it's stretched like a rubber mask, maybe it is a mask but I can still manage to smile at her. She is watching me, half sitting, half standing, looking into my eyes. She is very close now, getting closer, getting very close ... will I lick her face like a lollipop, tempted ... forgetting herself, shit, I'm the one forgetting myself here. Must try to remember .. I have to remember, I am the professional here, she has a lot to learn yet, still the young student .... toooo close. I know what she is doing, thinking about me, thinking will she ever get through to me. Maybe, she is thinking that I was having a paranoid delusion or delusions of a kind that become reality. You know the type.
Strawberry smell forever, all over me.

''Do you think you were having paranoid delusions ... do you understand me.?''
     ''HOLY SHIT ..... you are good, very professional. Was not expecting that .. that came out of nowhere. How did you know what I was thinking about ... can you read my mind? ... in that case I don't have to remember anything now. You only have to read my mind ... do some more.''
''You were having a paranoid delusion, that's what is happening, do you know what I am trying tell you.?''
     ''No .... are we playing a game now.''
''I'm not too sure about that, what can you tell me about that.?''
     ''Tranquility with-in the Human Being is interrupted by violence with-in the mind .... is that a paranoid delusion.?''
''You could say that, in a simple way, but this is not simple, is it.?''
     ''Are we speaking metaphorically now.?''
''Who is 'we' that is talking now.?'
     ''Answer this for me .... memories are like delusions don't you think ... the more you try to remember the more it doesn't seem real anymore ... it's like a 'make-up-story' ... the fine line between your sanity and delusions. We are the delusion of our own mind ... how can you tell me I am having paranoid delusions .. you don't have the right, we all can have delusions ... some of us are good at keeping our delusions under control, and others make religions out of them and still others can delude millions of people with false hopes and promises and go to war .... then it becomes the 'Collective Ego' .... if you have a life you will know all about delusions ... get real .... you see, that can be a delusion too .... getting real. Love is a delusion .. I love you do you love me .. tell me that's not a big bloody delusion, please ... love my butt .... love, a motive for people to feel love .. to feel wanted ... don't start me on this one .. there are all kinds of sick love,  but the 'real love' is loving yourself. Have you tried that one on yet.?.. don't start me.
This is the truth, for a long time, can't remember how long now, I was under the delusion there was a man in the moon and that a cow jumped over it and that Humpty Dumpty could not be put back together again when he fell off the moon or was it the wall ... but it's no delusion, it's all so very much true, and nothing ...... and I know that's very much everything, everything, can't be put back together again, that's no delusion ...it's the known fact, wake up .... will I stop here, .. can I go for a pee.?''
''There was blood on your clothes when you were found.''
     ''Are you telling me or asking ... I told you, I don't remember .. why are you keeping this up, all these questions. I want to pee.''
''Sudden psychotic transformations can be brought on by extreme trauma or stress .. I can help you to remember what happened out there in the woods ... try to remember ... how did the blood get on to your clothes.?'' 
     ''We are both professionals here .... I am a doctor too .... I know this silly game too well. I was a top player, help make the rules. The rules that you are using now.''
''Yes I know, I attended your lectures, read your books, you helped me to be where I am today .. you see you remember .... you are a doctor, you were the best, highly respected, always a full class and all of your books sold out, you were the top's in your field and research work ....You remember, that's good, this is very good, it will all come back in it's own time, just relax, we can and will do this together,  you and me ... O.K.''
      ''O.K., no point in playing this game anymore. You are going to find out sometime, so we cut the crap and get down to it. I am guilty and I am not guilty ..... who can judge me without a stain on their own soul. If we have the thought of doing it , we are guilty too, it may not be the physical action but the mental action can be just as good, if not done, we all will in time have done it, you have done it. We are all guilty from 'day one' ...... The Law of Karma ... need I go on ... but you know this could be the biggest delusion we live in .. who is to know ... do you.?" 
This whole suffering punishment, right here all around you called 'LIFE' ... L-I-F-E ... the full suffering package ... could be .. no .. is the bleeding-mother-of-all delusions. Are we not all guilty of this one fact, living in a delusion of are own making .... wake up woman, or am I the only one here that knows the truth to all this bullshit. Everybody is living the lie, the big lie from the sky ...  I.C.H.T.
''What.?''
     ''I.C.H.T. .. I cut her throat .. I-cut-her-throat .. Icutherthroat.''
'' Who's throat did you cut doctor.?''
     ''M.M's ..... I cut M.M's.''
''Doctor please, who's throat did you cut.''
     ''M.M's ..... my mother's.''
''Why would you do that.?''
     ''Her sweet name was on the list nailed to that tree. The death list tree. We all can recognise it, the list, the tree, the woods. It's the animal instinct within us, we just have to open to it. All names on that list must die by the hands of a loved one ... it is written. I saw that written somewhere, or did I write that myself. Who's worrying now .. who cares ... not me ... not no more and not M.M's. Anyway, she did not smell like strawberries to me ... she smelled like decaying flesh all of the time because her name was on that list. When you are on that list you are already dying if not dead ...  R.I.P.  When I remember I will let you know where it was that I saw the list ... it will come to me, just need to relax with it ...  but you smell like strawberries, did I tell you that.? Just remembered .. I saw the list on the tree in the woods .. see I remembered. Do you want me to tell you what list and tree your name is on .. I can.''
''Yes, but you told me already ... I thought you were metaphorically speaking though.''
     ''S.D.I. .... S.D.I.  .... So did I ..... I am Humpty Dumpty and have fallen off the high wall trying to kiss the man in the moon. Will you be able to put me back together again, doctor.?'' 
''We will take good care of you here doctor, but there will be no more trips to the woods to look for Lists ....O.K.'' 
     ''Requiēscant In Pāce .. 
metaphorically speaking .. I mean. 
Are you still with me on all of this B.S. ...
Betty Smith, that is your name is it not.?
Betty Smith is on the list, on the tree, in the woods ...
O' la-la ... If you go down to the woods today, you are sure to be in for a surprise .....
B.S. ..... Can I piss now ... PLEASE.?"