SIN and SIM

                     There will be no Remission

for the sins of their Commission

and for the sins of their Omission

                    for there is no Admission.

He knew he was hearing 'Them'. Sometimes it was hard to tell the difference from 'Them' and from the reality of his day-to-day damned-existence, but he had an idea all the same as to where they might be coming from ... but it was just an idea in his head, hidden somewhere in that part of his brain that was still in contact with him ... just an idea, nothing more ... [or] ... it's maybe very possible that it could be a memory from the past ... it was something he also did not disregard but it was something that scared him more than the 'idea' theory. 
A memory took place, sometime in his past, it had an action which brought on results at the time then to be stored in that part of the brain department for 'memories' to become at a later date a recollection passing through his mind that brings up the emotions that have a reaction that can stay for long dark days with him  and even darker nights with no end to them ... and that's what really scared him ... an 'idea' he could cope with within his reason, but the 'memory', that was another thing altogether, that brought up the fear in him to the point of no-return and that very same 'memory' now taking over his whole being could turn on him, without any warning, rouge and savage, becoming a brutal force of it's own and one to be reckoned with that blows his-self-pitying-life wide open to Kingdom Come ... a terrifying potential of the 'going-over-the-edge' kind with the easily predictable outcome. 

''Do you see or hear 'Them' ?''....

     ''I don't know ... I am still trying to get my head around it all as to what kind of day it was, but it was like a day that didn't exist, or you would wish it didn't. It was a day of numbness, no smells and none of the senses working, but a lot of hurtful words were said, in-there-out-there-in-the-garden, words that were loaded with pain. 
I can almost tell the day by the smell of the air and the time by the light in the garden ... now it's hard to explain in words but it's something inside you that seems to rise in your body, like instinct, and without giving it thought. Without being aware of it you 'feel' it's a Monday or a 'someday' by that sense of smell and light ... but to go through a day that you feel you do not belong in, no part of it ... well that's something entirely different from normal ... it is like being 'punch-drunk', or on antidepressants ... you are just not there at all ... your umbilical line to your soul is the only life-line you have got on that day.'' 

''Do you hear 'Them' ?''

                           The jumble of words just came out of Adam's closed mouth in a mad rush like a wild dog let lose and to quick to make any sense of  if you were to overhear them. He wasn't asked, the words came out ... nobody asked him ... there was nobody around to ask him, that could be seen that is ... but that was O.K. with Adam ... for now. The most part of his time was spent on his own in the garden ... that way he felt he could handle 'life' better, at least to keep himself alive to hear some answers to the questions he was asking, that's if they were going to be answered and that's what he keeps telling himself over and over in his mind.
 ''Answers ... I want some answers ...we deserve that ... they deserve that ... I deserve that ... some answers as to 'why' ... why so much pain ... did I ask to be born into all of this ever-lasting-pain from one lifetime into the next ... 'You' created me ... 'You' answer me ... I do deserve that much ... but in time I will have to answer to 'You' ... 'You', that has all the answers ... 'why'.''  
But they were not coming from Him because Him is not answering him anymore and it's Him ... 'Him above' that Adam wants to talk too ... to try to explain how that day of all days in the garden was for them, the only two of their kind, naked like innocent children with no shame, that was to come later, the shame ... created for no other reason but for His own amusement ... because He can. 
And it came. The pitch black darkness that overcast the sky like a wet blanket putting out a blazing fire ... it's decaying chocking smell taking away the fresh sweetness of the garden in one clean sweep of it's crawling dense blackness and death-smell seeping into everything that was alive ... and how they fell to their knees clinging on to each other for protection like the frightened innocent little children they were, when, from somewhere in the tree it started to 'talk' and 'Evil' showed it's ugly face to them. They could not see Him for His comfort to reassure them that he was only 'testing' them for their 'Love for Him' ... they were not prepared for anything like this happening to them and now He was not there in the garden  for them at that time for their salvation within temptation. He had provided all for them in the garden ... all except the fruit from the tree ... the only fruit in the garden they were not to eat ... but children being children anything can and will happen even when they have all ... they want it all  regardless of the fall.

Adam found it hard to cope with the everyday responsibility of just living, downtrodden to despair, and he was afraid of it. It was a day-in-night-out-trap-situation.  He felt he was in a strangulation, swinging like a pendulum gathering up speed to do the full circle to be released like a sling shot and fly off to a place of no return. He hoped that it might just all go away and he will wake up back in the garden  under the tree as if it was all a very bad dream that got out of hand and turned into a nightmare that turned into a  bloody daylight living ordeal that was to become the normal kind. It did not have to be like this but he had no say in the matter, then or now, it was all up to Him but He was not answering ... not this day anyway ... but Adam stayed on in his pain, breathing stale air in and out because of his Sin of Admission. Life is and will always be, unforgiving ... it was how he believed it to be for no answers were coming. He was fully 'fledged-by-birth' for the submission but not prepared for the Commission.

     ''Maybe it was a blackout I had or maybe it was ..... but come to think of it I haven't had a blackout for some time now,  in fact not since that  time  in  the garden, so long ago that it feels like in another lifetime ... so did  'that day' happen ... maybe and maybe not, who's to tell and who's going to tell  ... besides Him ... I can't, I just have memories ... there's   nobody to tell me ... only Him ... it's only me now to answer to me, so if me can't tell me, that's it then ... me-no-can-tell ... only Him-can-tell.''

''Do you hear 'Them' ?''

                Adam was a good man by all accounts and He was pleased with His creation ... but faith did not deal him a good hand him being the First-Man  and  maybe because of the name. He was most unlucky that  day in the garden ... right place wrong time. He trusted her and he trusted Him, without question, and for trusting he ended up on the rocks like a broken shipwreck that he was to become for future generations to relive that day like puss oozing from a sore on a lepers leg. It was to mark him like a brand on his back that would burn into him just for the Hell-of-it ... shit ... it's what 'brands' do ... for the Admission of Sin ... his sins ... sins that kept in touch with him, reminding him for every bleeding-breathing second of the day ... for what reason he was never told about 'sin' even though he had tried over the long dark years to deny 'Them' any remission but they don't bother to return their admission ... for it's their commission too ... but he tried, and how he tried ... only He above knows how he tried.
Adam took all this very-very personal, and why not,  he alone was carrying all the guilt of his own sin for the future fathers will also carry that guilt and future mothers will help to give birth too for all to burden the loss of Eden.

''Do you hear 'Them' ?''

     ''This is something I think about ... you see it in films ... you know ... the bit where it comes he is going to take his own life and he is standing at the shore line or at the edge of the lake, his back to the camera, and him looking out at the horizon ... have you noticed, it's always a male in the situation, well ... nearly always ... with his clothes neatly stacked beside him, and the shoes ... ah the shoes, this is the bit I love ... the shoes always polished and placed side-by-side facing in the direction he is looking, symbolically telling you in which direction he went, that scene alone tells it all. The film could end there because you know how it all ends and you are not disappointed, in fact you are quite pleased with yourself because you think you came up with the ending before the director or writer did ... get a life man, [ah, nice touch there].  I often thought about that scene in films for it tells me one thing and one thing only, he did not want to take his own life ... why ... the neatly folded clothes and the shoes, that's why, nobody folds their clothes like that unless they are going into a suitcase and very few people might do it before going to bed each night and if they do ... it's because maybe they have the same feeling that it's possible that they won't wake up in the morning and they want things to at least look right when they are found in the bed ... dead, that is, dead ... but to do it all before doing away with yourself, I just find it hard to accept. It's like giving out the message to those who find the clothes that ....
 'I have taken my own life but I didn't really want to do it, look here, can't you see how neatly I have left my clothes, that alone should tell you I didn't want to do it and besides what is 'freewill' if I can't put it into practice.' ''

''I hear 'Them' now all the time.''

                              Adam is sitting, knees to his chest on the granite rock looking out at the blue-green sea like the child that he is. He has been there all the gray-day long and maybe even longer that the seagulls pay him no attention anymore ... they gave up on him long ago ... even before he came to this place. The sun is trying it's best to be warm on his back as if it's trying to comfort him that little extra on this day-of-all-days. Nature's little reassurances of what 'love' is like when all is well in your world, but all is not well in his world and all is not well in His world for there is not a soul in the sweet smelling garden He created. 

Adam's mobile rings ... he reaches inside his pocket for it. None of your silly jingles here. A straight-forward-no-nonsense-ring-tone ... burr, burr ... burr, burr ... burr, burr ... he flips and He flips ...

     ''How are you.''

''O.K.''

     ''Where are you now.''

''On the coast.''

     ''Are you O.K.''

''O.K.''

     ''Are you coming home ... we can sit out in the garden under the apple tree like old times ... you remember how it was before all this happened.''

''Soon, I just want to sit here for a while.''

     ''O.K., but .... please come home, we can talk ... I know very well you are hurt deep Adam.''

''Yea ... we can talk, but what good is that going to do now ... tell me ... do you see 'Them' now.?''

And he flips. 
His toleration had gone at times beyond the requirements of toleration and this was one of the many times  he had forgiven her.
And He flips.

                              Adam is tired. Tired of her mood swings and the control she has over him. Tired of the sick feeling he gets in his stomach when they row about that day and that feels like every day now to him. Tired of the whole living bit. Tired of having to auto-eat to puke it up each day to stop the hunger pain in his gurgling knotted stomach ... he does not look at food as food as a means to keep himself alive, but as the 'Sin of Glutton'. He is tired of the daily struggle to keep things together.  Tired of asking himself questions with no answers coming from outside, but from 'Them', and not ... Him. Tired of telling himself that tomorrow will be a better day but tomorrow is already here and it's no different from any other bloody-day. Tired of the 'talks' and tired of talking to himself ... and to 'Them', and not ...  Him.  Tired of waiting. Tired of trying. Tired of it all. Just tired. Only He knows how tried he is, and tired of 'Them', and waiting for Him to answer ... but no more ... for the stroke of the whip can cut deep marks into the flesh but the stroke of the tongue can shatter the soul for eternity and for the mind never to reflect again.

    

     ''Fuck this and fuck the neatly folded clothes bit ... I'm going for a walk ... to Him and not with 'Them' ... but to Him since He is not coming to me ... back to that garden with my Admission. A straight-forward-no-nonsense-walk into the deep blue with Him waiting for me in the sweet smelling garden.''

                         Eve was waiting too ... waited with the phone in her hand. It never left her right hand, day or night ... that phone ... her contact ... contact to Adam.  She's laughing that nervous laugh of hers and always when she was on her phone to Adam. She can hear the waves now all around herself. She can smell the salt from the sea. There is the taste of salt-water, water inside her mouth and somewhere else inside her body burning her up like acid ... you could hear the gurgling sound, almost like the waves she is hearing on the phone but with more softness in them and the pungent smell of decay in the air hanging like damp mist  but the voices inside that phone of hers continued to argue, like the 'Hitchcock-birds'. 

     ''That's it ... keep arguing ... keep it going, non-stop-shop-talk ... continuing the debate on the sins of their commission and the sins of their omission but there will be no remission because there is no admission to the non-stop-debate-till-death about that 'sin' in the garden ... like the demented little children you are.'' 

If only she could stop the talk, could stop 'Them' ... but she has long since forgotten how to turn it off and turn 'Them' off  and He knows it ... but He hears it all, her cries for forgiveness ... but no-answers are coming from Him ... and no more toleration from him ... not on this day anyway.

     ''You are not seeing 'Them'... it's not a question it's an answer. Do you know you were found out in the garden hugging that apple tree crying and speaking 'gibberish' and calling at the height of your voice for someone by the name of Adam ... look in my direction, are you or are you understanding me what I am saying to you.?''

     ''I'm getting used to it, I guess, doe's that answer your question, doe's it mean I can turn it off ... the phone, why are you  so hard on me.  I talk to Adam all the time about sin ... do you see 'Them' ... do you want to talk to 'Them' about the 'sin' ... we all have that 'sin', we can't run from it and He is not forgiving, not today anyway ... please find my Adam ... I want to say I am sorry but 'sorry' will not be good enough ... I know it ... not this time.''

     ''Has she been medicated ?''

''You bet .... like a rabid dog.''

     ''Family .... and what about this Adam she is talking about.?''

''Nothing we know off but talks all the time to him on that phone of hers as we have heard her, non stop talk,  best of times not making any sense in her words. We believe he lives by the coast, so she says ... we are trying to contact him as best as we can but so far no luck, he might be her son, husband, friend, lover, could be anybody but we won't know that till we contact him.''

     ''I see ... you can take the phone from her now, she has no need for it here.''

''I think we should leave it with her, if you don't mind my saying, she has some comfort with it and besides there is no Sim card in it ... I checked it when she was sleeping ... she sure likes to talk into it though to this guy Adam, the sooner we can contact him we might get some answers, we don't have a name for her and she's not telling ... she tells us that if she tells us we will think she's mad ... her words.''

     ''Well ... O.K. ... but I thought she said Sin and not Sim.''

''If you ask me I see no difference in 'Sin' or 'Sim' ... they both hold memories.''

''Do you hear 'Them' too, I see and hear 'Them' now all around me,  like ... like sparkling silver dots in front of my eyes ... I have 'memories' you know of that day in the garden and how we were put out by Him and how it hurt Adam deep, so deep ... he trusted and he trusted me ... I let him down ... but we are trying to find our way back to that beautiful garden ... but things will not be as before ... poor-poor-Adam. Do you want names and numbers, I have names and numbers too ... just ask, they are on the Sim card all keyed in ... names, numbers and memories ... everything is there ... it goes deep, and maybe, just maybe, but I doubt it very much, that you can contact Him ... but the hurt goes deep, it's not going to go away that easy ... it will always be there like a stain ... we are damaged souls to relive the pain for all time ... will Adam come back to me.?'' 

     ''O.Kkkkk ... full admittance till further notice from me and I want a daily report on her ... I have seen and heard enough but try to make contact with this guy Adam she is talking about. We will need to talk to him too and get some answers as to who she is and where this garden she is on about and let's hope it's all easily explained ... I hate the freaking paper work that goes with these cases.''

''I talk to Adam everyday on my phone ... everyday ... and everyday we talk about sin ... that 'sin' ... but I try to tell Adam that there will be no Remission for the sins of our Commission and for the sins of Omission because there is no Admission coming ... but my Adam lives in the hope we will all get back to the sweet smelling garden,   poor-poor-Adam.''

     ''Who's next ...''

''Him ...''

     ''GOD, what is it with phones today and why all the Sim cards.?''